Massachusetts Police Coat Tom Brady in Grease to Prevent Fans From Climbing Him

Massachusetts Police Coat Tom Brady in Grease to Prevent Fans From Mounting Him

Echoing the Philadelphia Police Department’s decision to coat light poles with Crisco during the NFC Championship Game to prevent fans from climbing them, the Massachusetts State Police will be coating Tom Brady with grease to prevent Patriots supporters from mounting him during Super Bowl LII.

“It is a hazard to both residents and Mr. Brady to have them climb his body in celebration,” said police Superintendent Colonel Kerry Gilpin. “We realize it may be uncomfortable for him to play an entire game covered in butter and cooking oil, but safety is our primary concern.”

Some in the community are worried that the lubricant won’t be enough prevent crazed Bostonians from scaling Brady should the Patriots be victorious Sunday night. Following the NFC Championship, many Eagles fans still managed to climb the light poles despite police greasing efforts.

“Listen, I love the Pats as much as the next guy,” said Officer Jim Millbanks. “But it’s dangerous to have drunken fans climbing over number 12 all night.”

Others are concerned that if fans start setting cars on fire like they did in Philadelphia, the flames could easily spread to Brady’s oiled body.

“Don’t worry, if Brady catches fire I’ll be the first one to give my life to smother the flames,” added Millbanks. “But I’m pretty sure he’s impervious to fire, anyway.”