God Taps Irish Singer to Lead Choir of Angels in Cosmic Music Project

Dolores O'Riordan

HEAVEN — God announced today that he has signed Irish singer Dolores O’Riordan as lead vocalist for a new music project He is working on.

In a press release, He pronounced that the Limerick native and former lead singer of the Cranberries was the only one up to the task of fronting his angelic choir, an eternal position charged with bringing music to the universe.

“Her fiery, melodic voice is unlike anything I’ve heard before,” said God. “And frankly, I was getting sick of listening to Gregorian chant all the time.”

God had been a fan of O’Riordan for years, he said, after first noticing her “edgy, Seraphim-like” vocals during the band’s 1994 U.S. tour.

Famous for singles such as “Linger” and “Zombie,” O’Riordan also launched a solo career after the band split in 2003. The Cranberries reunited in 2009 and released the acoustic album Something Else in 2017. Although God says he feels bad about the cancellation of their 2017 tour due to O’Riordan’s health issues, he noted that he has already booked tour dates in multiple galaxies over the next millennium.

“She’s quite the songwriter, too. I’m hoping she can write us a few new hymns,” He said. “My current guy, Bach, has been churning out the same boring crap for like 300 years. I swear, if I hear Jesu, Joy of a Man’s Desiring one more time I’m gonna puke.”

“I know it’s tough on her fans,” He added, “but I guarantee she’ll be back behind the mic in no time.”