PHILADELPHIA, Penn. — In an aberration that is baffling Philadelphians everywhere, local sports fan Kyle Wilkenson is somehow not an asshole.
While it was previously thought that being a complete and utter jerk was a prerequisite for liking teams from the City of Brotherly Love, sources claim Wilkenson is actually “kind of a nice guy.”
“He offered to give my son his seat at the football game a few weeks ago. That was a really nice gesture,” said visiting New York Giants fan Anthony Gonzalez. “Usually Eagles fans just urinate on me.”
Although many have praised his friendly and nonviolent attitude towards visiting fans, some of Wilkenson’s friends have threatened to mark him as a traitor and banish him from the city altogether.
“I saw that cocksucker buy a beer for a guy in a Bruins jersey,” said former friend Brandon Woodruff, noting that someone from Boston wouldn’t know a good cheesesteak “if it slapped him in his stupid Masshole face.” “He’s dead to me.”
Even Wilkenson himself has begun to doubt his dedication to the city’s teams, and has sought counseling to fix his cordial tendencies.
“I know there’s something wrong with me. Why can’t I just curse and spit on people from other cities like a good Philadelphian?” he recalled asking his psychiatrist, Dr. J. Erving. “Oh, Ryan Howard, forgive me.”