I Only Coach Teams Named After Pirates Because I Need Someone to Help Me Find Buried Treasure

Jon Gruden Buried Treasure

by Captain Jon Gruden

Man, I’ll tell ya what, coaching is great. Getting out there and watching all these amazing athletes do great things, there’s not much that could top that.

But if there’s one thing I like even more than coaching, it’s leading a voyage out on the high seas searching for a trove of precious gems and metals. That’s why I only coach teams named after pirates, because I need a crew of bold men to help me find buried treasure.

Let me tell ya, these guys, Buccaneers, Raiders, some of the best guys out there to plunder a British merchant vessel with. You got guys like Derek Carr, Amari Cooper, I’d love to have guys like that as a First Mate. I remember the riches I despoiled with Mike Alstott back in ’03. That guy, top five pirates all time, easy. Guys like Khalil Mack, SUNY Buffalo, number 52. Great marauder.

With the Raiders I think we’ll have something really special. You’ll see us sending guys on the blitz, playing tight man-to-man coverage, firing broadsides at fleeing enemy frigates. I’m liking the silver and black.

I’ll tell ya what, you can’t find a good treasure without a good treasure map. That’s why I love seeing these guys who put in the time off the field to study the treasure maps. Everyone talks about these X’s and O’s like they’re play calls. But when I see an X I think one thing: treasure. X marks the spot, baby! Tim Tebow, now that’s a guy who knows how to read a treasure map. I’d like to see him back on a crew sometime.

Sometimes in the offseason I like to go to Disneyland and ride the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction just to remember what it’s like to flee from a pursuing armada. All day long I’ll sit in there and steal pearls from helpless tourists at sword-point. It really brings back memories of Super Bowl XXXVII.

Really, when you’re talking football, you’re talking Raiders, Buccaneers, maybe Vikings. Everyone else might as well be sent to Davy Jones’ locker. Those are the only three teams I see uncovering a chest of booty from a desert island in 2018.

I can’t wait to get back out there and lead this crew. I know there’s a mountain of gold doubloons buried somewhere waiting for us, and I’ll make any man walk the plank who stands in my way of finding it, I tell ya what.