Asshole on Bicycle Thinks He’s a Fucking Car or Something

ARLINGTON, Va. — Wantonly hurtling through stop signs like he’s on the Tour de France, sources say local bicyclist and certified asshole Mark Novak has been riding around town like he’s a fucking car or something.

The claims adjuster and total piece of shit has been seen yelling at drivers and blowing through traffic signs as if the rule of law and social goddam decency don’t apply to him.

“Cars are just such a death trap,” said the self-centered jerk as he blindly pedaled his obnoxious goddam Trek road bike into rush hour traffic. “I would never ride in one of those CO2-spewing menaces.”

Automobile commuters have noted that while Novak insists on taking up an entire lane like he’s a fucking Chevy Silverado, he completely refuses to obey even the most basic of traffic regulations.

“He thinks throwing up those flamboyant goddam hand signals excuses him from stopping at a red light,” complained frustrated commuter Don Nicholson. “Then he probably hangs up his sweaty ass biker spandex in the office like it’s his personal locker room.”

Coworkers say they wouldn’t mind Novak’s pompous biker attitude as much if he didn’t insist on incorporating it into all facets of his daily life.

“Slow the hell down! Make some room!” Novak yelled at a colleague as she crossed his path in the hallway at work. “Ugh. Must be a ‘car’ person.”