Last-Minute New Year’s Resolution to Offset Decades of Self-Destructive Behavior

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local electrician David Carver’s last-minute New Year’s resolution to “live a healthier, more productive life in 2018” is expected to offset decades of unhealthy, self-destructive behavior, experts say.

Carver, who has not exercised or paid any consideration whatsoever to living like a respectable adult since at least 1996, says he’s confident this year’s resolution will be the one that helps him turn it all around.

“The goal is to lose twenty pounds by March,” said Carver, dipping his leftover meat-lover’s pizza in blue cheese at the breakfast table. “I think that’s reasonable.”

In addition to diet and exercise, he says he’d also like to cut back on drinking and spend more quality time with his family.

“The days of disappearing for weeks on end into an alcohol-fueled stupor and selling my daughter’s tricycle so I can buy weed are over come January first,” he said as he poured his third Bloody Mary of the morning. “Yup, 2018 will see a new Dave Carver.”

Despite his resolve to live better, just how Carver will pay off the thousands of dollars in debt he has accrued betting on horse races, and repair the countless relationships with loved ones who his rash behavior has pushed away over the years, is yet to be seen.

“Oh, that?” he asked. “Sounds like a 2019 problem.”