Ignorantly smiling as if it weren’t time to return to his miserable nine-to-five existence now that Christmas is over, sources say local weirdo Sean LaBelle was still merry on December 26.
“Disgusting,” remarked neighbor Phyllis Trousdale, who says she is physically incapable of being happy on any days other than December 24 and 25. “I, for one, don’t trust anybody who’s not borderline suicidal at least three hundred sixty-three days a year.”
Friends and coworkers started noticing that something was off about LaBelle in early December, when he began acting warmhearted and sympathetic towards all, even though Christmas was still weeks away and crushingly hopeless depression was clearly the more appropriate emotion.
“There must be some sort of issues he’s dealing with behind the scenes that are making him act up like this,” said colleague Garrett Weeks, who hasn’t smiled in six years. “Drugs. Maybe a divorce. Maybe he committed some sort of heinous crime and is trying to cover it up. Who knows?”
Despite his strange behavior, LaBelle says he is simply trying to live a more joyful and caring life, regardless of the crumbling fabric of society around him.
“I know it seems like I’m going crazy, but I’m just trying to be a bit more wholesome,” he said as a passing car threw a milkshake into his face while he read news that everyone he ever respected was a remorseless sexual offender. “2018 is looking up.”