Crossfitter Burns 2,000 Calories Per Day Talking About Crossfit


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BOSTON, Mass. — Local Crossfitter Charles Higgins is able to burn over 2,000 calories per day doing nothing but talking about Crossfit, sources say.

According to Higgins, talking incessantly about his most recent workout of the day, or “WOD,” has helped him change from a “weak and ignorant” non-Crossfitter to the elite athlete he has become.

“I totally crushed a twenty-minute AMRAP yesterday,” said Higgins, who spent the past three nights alone in his kitchen watching videos of shirtless men doing burpees. “You should’ve seen it. And my clean-and-jerk PR is through the roof.”

Higgins, who names the one time he saw Rich Froning at a paleo juice bar as the finest day of his life, says that just weeks after he began talking about Crossfit he saw improvements in both strength and endurance.

While he admits it is sometimes hard to hold a conversation with non-Crossfitters, he believes it is his duty to ceaselessly preach the virtues of kipping pull-ups to the uneducated.

“Honestly, people who don’t talk relentlessly about front squats or the kale and free-range egg omelet they had for breakfast are kind of pathetic,” said Higgins, once again masturbating to a rerun of the 2015 Crossfit Games on TV. “What’s your Fran time?”