“Becoming Dolphin Not What I Expected,” Says Dorsal-Finned Jay Cutler

MIAMI — In an interview earlier this week, quarterback and recently converted aquatic mammal Jay Cutler said that becoming a dolphin was “not at all” what he expected.

The former bear says the transition from a quadrupedal land-based species into an oceanic one has been rife with difficulties.

“At first I was really excited about the change, because I’ve always been a big fan of swimming and fishing,” said Cutler, struggling to fit his bottlenose into a can of tuna. “But with these flippers it’s become almost impossible to throw a football.”

Despite his struggles, Cutler is expected to start in this Sunday’s matchup against Denver after missing last week’s game with an injury to his blowhole.

Head Coach Adam Gase says that although transporting Cutler to away games in a 500,000-gallon water tank has been a logistical nightmare, he’s happy to have him back on the field.

“Jay has been talking all week about how he’s going to buck his former team,” said Gase. “Now it’s time for him to put his money where his snout is.”